So, when I was a little kid I wanted to be Mr. T. Never mind that I was 6 years old, scrawny and white. I had official, store-bought Mr. T jewelry that I wore proudly and I pitied the fool frequently. I never had time for no Jibba Jabba. I was listening to 98 KUPD on the radio today and heard mention that Mr. T had made a Snickers commercial that got yanked off the air in the UK. Watch the commercial…
Yes, that was Kirby Heyborne of LDS movie fame getting absolutely owned by none other than B.A. Baracus and his Snickers gatling gun. The reason this got pulled off the air in the UK is because a lot of gays thought Kirby was of their "persuasion" and saw it as Mr. T gunning down one of their own with chocolatey nougat confections. Oh, the Horror!! I've watched the BBC, there's a lot worse things than Kirby Heyborne speedwalking and appearing fruity.
Plus, we all know that he’s just a speed walker and it’s 100% impossible to not look gay while speed walking. We also know it’s 100% hilarious when Mr. T drives through a friggin house just to shoot Kirby Heyborne with a barrage of Snickers bars.
Classic.
And for those of you wondering about the origin of the Snickers gun…wonder no more.
Timbaland.
Those of you hip to the current music scene should already know where I’m going with this. Timbaland (born Timothy Z. Mosley) is a music producer and, from what I can tell, has to be in at least 75% of every song produced by him or pretty much anybody. I give him props for being a great producer. Heck, I’d let him produce my band’s CD (if we were well-known) but I can’t help but think he’d try to elbow his way into actually performing on at least a few tracks.
Take One Republic’s “Apologize” for instance. I’m really not a fan of the song and I’m pretty sure it’s because of the intro. The song starts out soft and nice but then Timbaland, who produced the album, has to throw in his “Eh…Eh…Eh”. He couldn’t resist. I can only image what really happened. One Republic has been working hard recording and finishes up the song. They leave the studio and come back the next day to hear the final cut. Timbaland prefaces the song telling them he “added a little something extra” and that it’s “off the hook” or whatever. Timbaland hits play and the song starts just as they imagined it, then, all of a sudden, there’s some crappy voice saying “eh…eh….eh” that’s not supposed to be there. They stop playback and ask what that is. Timbaland proudly states, “That’s me, dawg! It’s pimp, right?” In their head they want to yell at him for completely ruining the beginning of a potentially good song. But fearing the wrath of their producer and jeopardizing their first major release, they tell him that it’s “dope” or whatever. What a price to pay. Of course this probably never happened but it’s how it all goes down in my head.
I’m okay with Timbaland performing with some artists and I even really like it sometimes. Here are some examples of artists Timbaland has performed with that I’m okay with:
-Justin Timberlake
-Nelly Furtado
-The Pussycat Dolls
-Aaliyah (i still love this song!)
Here are some artists he’s worked with and ended up on the album that I’m not okay with. He just doesn’t belong with these guys:
-One Republic
-The Hives
-Duran Duran (yes, THE Duran Duran)
And here are a few names he’s slated to produce that you know he’ll screw up at least one song by “performing” with the artist/band:
-The Jonas Brothers (not that I really care)
-Linkin Park
-Chris Cornell (potentially huge train wreck or great album)
Why don't you back off, Timbaland. "Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation."